


Disorders

by Ooicle



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anger, Bipolar Disorder, Brother/Brother Incest, Dark, Dysfunctional Family, Family Secrets, Insanity, M/M, Mind Manipulation, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Physical Abuse, Possessive Behavior, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Twins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-12 10:16:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18009053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ooicle/pseuds/Ooicle
Summary: (unedited)Noel's anger and behaviors are showing through his personality making Noah uneasy.





	1. Personalities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (unedited)
> 
> Noel's anger and behaviors are showing through his personality making Noah uneasy.

**Age 5**

"say cheese!" the flash of the camera blinded me for the fifth time today. Noah rubbed his eyes beside me whining. mommy not listening took another picture. this time Noah dug his face in my back. 

"no!" he screamed out. his voice sounded like a high pitched dolphin which made me laugh. i grabbed his hand pulling him away from mommy and to the tree. Noah at down right next to me so that our legs were touching. leaning forwards i looked for our names on the presents that were under the tree. as i was grabbing it Noah grabbed his also. a memory came back to last Christmas. i made fun of Noah because he got a book and my friend told me books are for nerds. when i made fun of him he got this look in his eyes that scared me. i ran crying to mommy and daddy. after that Noah went to people that you play games with and ask each other questions. 

my hand froze over the box something told me to look over to Noah. he smiled at me and i knew i had his complete attention. "open yours too" i said staring at his box. he shook his head and waited. i huffed then turned back to my box. i ripped at the paper and screamed. it was the train from the TV i only seen it when my friend brought it to school. i immediately showed it to Noah. 

he smiled brightly staring at me. i leaned over towards time waiting for him to open his gift. he looked down when started ripping the package. it was a book on the planets. he gave a small smile to himself and slowly showed me. i giggle and fell against him. 

Ryan walked in the room yawning. he glance at the both of use then mommy. "merry Christmas" he groaned as he stretched out. mommy took more pictures of him and some of us. 

"merry Christmas, dad and liam are in the kitchen making breakfast." he nodded and came over to the tree. i sat there playing with my train while Ryan opened his gifts. Noel started opening more of his gifts placing mine in front of me. but i wanted to wait for liam. he would be sad if he opened his gifts alone. i should go get him or at least help him out. 

"where are you going" Noel said as soon as i started moving. i pointed at the kitchen 

"liam has to open his gifts" i said. Noel stood up too and grabbed my hand. we walked to the kitchen and the smell made me smile brightly. it smelled so good. "Liam!" i called into the kitchen. daddy said we weren't allowed in the kitchen without permission. i heard him call back and rolled my head back impatient. 

the kitchen door opened with liam smiling at us. "we're almost done guys" he smiled. 

"you have presents you have to open." i said trying to look past him. 

"i know. i know. ill come out after breakfast. now go back before i get dad" i frowned when he smiled. Noel weakly yanked at my hand. 

"lets just wait Noah." he said pulling at my hand again. i nodded and followed him back to the living room. Ryan was watching the Christmas movie from the floor. so i sat down next to him. mommy sat on the couch looking over the videos in her camera. when i looked at noel he was staring at me. my neck went stiff and i stood up and walked over to mommy. noel stare followed me not moving a inch away. 

whispering in her ear i said "Noel need the candy." she looked shocked for a minute then cursed under her breath. she got up right away and left the room. "are you okay" i said sitting in front of him. he only stared at me then finally nodded. when mommy came back into the room she had his candy in her hands. 

"noel. open for mommy. " he didn't move a inch until to opened his mouth herself. he automatically started chewing and looked at her. "Ryan watch over noel for five minutes he just took his pill." Ryan looked away from the TV and crawled over to us. mommy put her smile back on and smiled at me. "let me go see if breakfast is ready." with that she was away again. i took noel hand into mine and started to play with hands. when he gets like this it scary for me but i has to be scary for him too. 

"Noah i don't know if we are allow to touch him right now." Ryan said hesitantly. 

"no i like it when he touches my hand." noel said before i could answer. i smiled and continued to play with his hand. 

all three of us turned around when heard foot steps. "guys its time come on." daddy said. i stood up helping Ryan and noel to their feet. i could hold my excitement in anymore. i ran the the kitchen leaving them behind. noel started to whine but i didn't stop. on the dinning table there was so much food. i took the chair near the bacon. mommy brought over another dish that looked like pie. For breakfast! "you know boys. Santa thought you all were extra good this year so he brought you a extra gift. everyone grabbed a seat and waited him to finish in anticipation. "but oh no!" he looked down at his phone in shock. liam and Ryan rolled their eyes while my heart was racing. "he dropped them off at the wrong house. grandma's house!" i breathed out at least they were somewhere safe. 

"can we go over there" noel said. i nodded my head in agreement. 

"only after you eat" i smiled and leaned over the table. 

Ryan glared at liam who was trying to sneak a piece. soon we were all eating together talking about what we got and how silly Santa was. 

 

 **Age 11**  

 "Noah where the fuck are you!" i pressed my fingers so hard against my mouth that my lips started to hurt my teeth. closing my eyes out of fear i wait for his next call. "Noah!" he angrily yelled. i looked down at the page from his book that i ripped out. it was his fault he was being mean and a jerk. after i ripped his page out i hid cabinet in the bathroom. i could hear things breaking in the other room. 

"Yo... why are you yelling." Ryan voice came into hearing. i almost cried out in relief. "and stop cursing."

"look at what Noah did!" i cringed inwards knowing Ryan would be on his side. 

i heard a sigh and then Ryan call out. "Noah! come out and apologize" tears spilled down my face. i slowly climbed out of the cabinet and started to sob walking into the room. noel stood there with a blank face while Ryan was glaring at the page in my hand. 

"i-it was his fault" i pointed at noel. 

Ryan only glared at me more. "say you're sorry" he said sternly. i only glared at him with tears in my eyes. "fine i'm telling mom." with that he left the room. i screamed after him in anger. Noel didn't waste a second. he marched over to me gripping my hair throwing me to the ground. before i could get up to fight back he gripped the back of my neck tightly. i gasped and clawed at his ankle for him to let go. the pain shot down my back making me cry out more. he dragged me over to the book shoving my face down in it. 

"say your sorry." he said so calmly. my nose pushed against the pages. i could feel myself hyperventilating. "Noah..........Noah........just say sorry"

"I'M SORRY" i screamed out. the door busted open and dad ran in lifting noel away from me and mom helped me up. 

"Noel Woods! you do not hold your brother down like that if there is a problem with you two you come to us." mom held me to her chest. 

"he tore my book!" noel argued back. 

"that does not mean you press his face onto the floor like that. do you want me to separate you two?"

Noel glared harshly at mom so much dad hit him on his arm. "hit me all you want you wont take Noah away from me. hes the one who tore the book but that doesn't mean we cant be together!" he got out of dads grip and ran away. i looked after him he was gone. silence filled the room. 

"ill talk to him you go call the doctor" dad said lowly. mom let go of my head and told me to stay in my room. i stood still for i don't know how long before realizing what just happened. i'm i in shock? i pulled Noah's laptop from under his bed. anxiety ran through me as i waited for it to power on. not wasting a second i google extreme anger. clicking on the first site i saw i started to read. 

  * Chronic anger, which is prolonged, can impact the immune system and be the cause of other mental disorders
  * Passive anger, which doesn’t always come across as anger and can be difficult to identify
  * Overwhelmed anger, which is caused by life demands that are too much for an individual to cope with
  * Self-inflicted anger, which is directed toward the self and may be caused by feelings of guilt
  * Judgmental anger, which is directed toward others and may come with feelings of resentment
  * Volatile anger, which involves sometimes-spontaneous bouts of excessive or violent anger



 should i tell mom, dad, Ryan? liam... liam wouldn't tell anyone. i closed the cite then the computer down. i slowly made my way to liam's room. opening the door he was sitting on the bed with his phone in his hand. he looked up shock. That is when i noticed he had his headphone on. "did you have a fight with noel? " i nodded. he put down his phone and turned off his music. 

"liam.. " i said scared quickly climbing on his bed. "there is something really wrong with Noel. i feel it. i looked anger up and he meets the entire list. i think we should tell mom. when he gets work up he starts cursing and glaring. its scaring the crap out of me. that not even the worst part. when he speaks to be straight on he doesn't yell. he speaks as if there is nothing wrong. the calmness in his voice scares me. its like something out of a horror movie, man" 

"calm down Noah. we can talk to mom if that helps, okay?"

" you don't get it" i cried/ whispered "hes always been like this. its impossible for any of you not to see it. i just the only one that has to deal with it head on!" my head pulsated. "i-i cant keep doing this what if he gets worst?" liam sigh and stood up. 

"sleep in my bed tonight. ill explain to mom whats going on." i nodded and curled up on the bed. my body begged for me to just close my eyes to the point it was hurting not too. The door opened then closed and that is when i knew i was alone. 

 

* * *

 

when i woke up i was in liam's room still. but something was around my waist. i looked down and saw it was noel's hand. i started to move towards the end of the bed but the arm around me tightened. i sighed and moved again. "i'm sorry..." he whispered. "but you cant leave me ever" i leaned back on the pillow. closing my eyes once again. 

"no i shouldn't have tore the book. i just was angry." i whispered back. "i wont do it again." after a moment of silence i whispered lower. "are twins always like this." 

"it doesn't matter. we are special. we don't have to go by what they say. i wish it was just you and me." his arm tightened around my waist then move up to my stomach. "mom said i'm sick but i don't feel sick. the only time i feel really alive is when i don't take the pills she gives me. maybe shes doing it on purpose. i-i don't trust her i only trust you." i shift to my side so that i was facing him. i opened my eyes and saw him staring at tiredly. 

"maybe were both sick. were twins after all." i said lowly. 

"maybe" his hand lifted to my face. he started playing with my bangs. i closed my eyes again feeling the connection again. my mom use to tell us that were were the same person but have two different bodies. that somehow comforted me.  

 

The next morning noel's hand was in front of my face. i stretched and climb out of bed. this time Noel didn't move but just slept peacefully. i walked out to look for liam. but walked into Ryan watching TV. he quickly looked at me then back to the TV. "if your looking for liam he went out with mom. they probably wont be back for a while." i hummed in acknowledgment. not want to deal with his attitude i quickly left the room.

i took a quick shower before going back to my room. Noel sat on my bed looking in deep thought. his head shot up meeting my eyes. "we're good right?" i nodded my head. 

"yeah... we're good." i grabbed my pants quickly putting them on i didn't even bother with my shirt on the way back down stairs. "Ryan can you take me out today." i sat down a seat next to him. "i want to by him a new book" this time he put his attention on me. i looked away and back feeling awkward. i wouldn't have been asking him if mom didn't tell us not to go outside without anyone. "come one please."

he rolled his eyes. "hurry up and put a shirt on." he turned back to the TV. i glared at the side of his head. its not like anyone home or anything. whats the problem. 

i ran back to my room to grab a random shirt. He was waiting at the door for me. 

"you ready?" he said opening the door. 

i nodded and walked half way out the door. "noel! Ryan and i are going out to the story real quick." before he could say anything i closed the door. 

"hes going to be upset again." Ryan said walking beside me. 

"he'll be fine when i bring a new book back for him" said looking forwards. 

"you know mom is thinking about moving you two to your own rooms." 

this made me frown. "Noel wouldn't allow it." 

i looked at him when he started laughing. "you forget who is the adult right? they can do anything they want, no matter who throws a fit or cries." i said nothing back to him feeling annoyed. even if they move us he would still sleep in my room or beg me to sleep in his. i found out by 10 that he had OCD. he would never leave my side when we were little and would have a crying fit until we were together again. now he can spend a day apart but become paranoid when i don't come back by the time he expects. i once left by my self and came home late. on the way home i found noel walking the streets also. it turned out that he went out looking for me. when we got back we both got yelled at my mom and that day on we couldn't leave the house with a adult or our older brothers. 

i looked at all the books in the store. none of them looked like the book i was holding. i frowned. Ryan told me he was going to just stay outside while i got the book.

"son you wont fine a book like that in this aisle" i quickly turned my head and met eyes with a older man. he had grey hair and and a solid blue shirt on. he reminded me of a pirate that was cleaned up. i looked down at the book. 

"where would i find it"

"Ain't that book a little to old for you." 

"its not for me. its for my brother." 

"well them that would be in the physiological aisle." i thanked him and left. i found the book rather quickly.  _The Quantity Theory of Insanity_. i didn't pay much attention to the title. i got some other books by the same author and paid. when i walking out the Ryan looked up and walked towards me. 

"everything went fine?"

i pushed past him and started towards the house. "of course why wouldn't it." i laugh a bit. he caught up to me. 

"just asking" we walked back to the house in silence. i opened the door first and was met with noel. i quickly jumped back out of shock. 

"why are you just standing here" i said sternly trying to get his attention. he looked down towards my hand and smiled. i held it towards him. my cheeks felt warm so i turned my head out of embarrassment. "here take this as a apology" 

"thanks but you didn't have to do this."

"i know i didn't" i mumbled and walked past him. he followed me to the living room. i fell against the couch feeling drained once again. Noel sat in front of me on the floor looking over his book. i watch secretly his reaction and could help smile when he smiled. Ryan threw the pillow on my face and sat down in the spot he was in before. i glared at him before setting the pillow under my head and closing my eyes. the TV was back on and everything felt back to normal.  

 

* * *

 

Today mom said that she was going to take me and noel to a person that will help our relationship.

a therapist

i know noel is not dumb and nether am i. It took me asking Noel for him to agree. i kind of regret asking because right now i have never felt so uncomfortable in my life. the lady had blond hair that was pinned up in the back. wore a slick pencil dress and had a smile that a passing stranger would have. i rubbed my hands together trying to distract myself from the current situation. "now how are we going to tell the difference between you too. the looks are uncanny." i smiled like i haven't heard that one before. of course we weren't wearing the same thing so i raised my hand. 

"i'm Noah" she smiled and shook my hand then turned toward Noel. 

"Noel i suppose" he frowned to himself but shook her hand. i looked away towards the window. " i'm Ms. Hanna and i heard that he two of you are best friends." i looked back to her waiting on her next words. "how would you explain your relationship Noah."

i tilted my head in thought. "hes my twin. we're really close. i don't know." my answer was pretty lame but she look satisfied with it.  

"noel, how do you feel." she smiled at him. 

"hes mine. my twin. we are one but two. i don't want to ever leave him. i hate it when person say they're going to separate us. i wont let that ever happen." i stared at him. chills went down my spine. how is he that dedicated to me. 

"is that so. what if your brother wanted friends that he want to be with time to time." she said staring intensely in his eyes. 

"i would let him" that was a lie. i felt it. he would never let me go out with my friends alone. he barley lets me go out with my other brothers. his face held a fake smile. strange. 

"That's good. now what is this i hear you too got into a fight the other day." i tensed.

the thought of mom teller her made a groan and slouch in my chair. "that over now. it doesn't matter." i said not looking into her eyes. 

"i know i just want to make sure that what ever happened doesn't happen again." this time noel turned away probably not even paying attention to the lady. "you know if you really care about someone then you take care of them." she was speaking in general but i could tell it was directed toward noel. he glared her and then looked over to me. i didn't know what expression to use so i stared back. "and what i hear is that your not really taking care of each other." oh god.... noel glared at her again. 

"we do just fine." he whispered harshly. she didn't look phased but smiled again. 

"i know but there is always room for improvement right." i looked back to noel waiting for him to say something. to be honest i was really interested into this conversation. no one had a counterargument with noel outside of family. he tilted his head and i saw his fist tighten. 

"your making him mad" i whispered looking back to the window 

"that's not intention sorry. i just want you two to be the healthy of friend. mentally and physica-."

"are we done yet" noel said cutting her off. 

"well if you honestly don't want to talk anymore today we can end it. but i want us three to grow more comfortable with talking to each other. ill set up another meeting.." noel already sat up walking towards the door. i stayed seated waiting for her to finish. "next week. and we can play a game to learn about each other." noel waited at the door for me. i stood up and gave her a quickly small smile and headed towards the door. when we exited mom was looking through her phone but noticed us. 

"hey guys, how did it go?"

"fine""bad" 

noel and i looked at each other. rolling my eyes i started walking to the exit of the building. "she wants to have another meeting next week." i said. 

"good good... i know this might be strange but it will help you too, i promise." we both said nothing to her in return. i just want to go home and lay down honestly. we drove home with the music blasting. i whispered some lyrics that i could remember trying to make the time past by. 

liam was in the kitchen cooking when we got home. i search around trying to see what he was making. it was some pastry. he gave us a smile but really didn't say anything else to us. mom told us that she was going to information of dad about the meeting. which didn't really interest me. i laid on the cheek against the counter watching liam cook. when he gets older i know that he is going to become a chef. i can feeling it and his food is way too good to be kept in the house. i envy him because unlike me he was born with talent. noel too smart for his own good. Ryan has a talent of art. as long as i can remember he has always been a great painter and drawer. i usually mooch off of them. like i draw when Ryan lets me in his room. liam sometimes lets me help with diner and noel lends me a book that he thinks i would like. i'm not bothered through. mom said i will grow into something. 

i do enjoy hanging out with friends when i can. but i can only hang out with then during school. noel will fight with me otherwise. 

"did you two have fun" liam said mixing what ever was in the bowl. it amazes me how mature he sounds. hes the second oldest in the family. Ryan is 14 while liam is 13. not much a difference but he speak like mom and dad. but i love liam's personality. hes genital and caring. hes takes after mom. the only time he is stern is when i'm fighting with anyone other then that hes like a big teddy bear. i shrugged my shoulders not really wanting to talk about it. he laugh and place a plate of something he made in front of us. its looked like little cakes. but before we could grab something mom came from behind us and took it away. 

"you can have some for dessert tonight." i frowned 

"oh come on mom. it wont hurt them." liam said laughing. 

"no and don't you dare give them any befo-" "Ryan!" of course the cake were taken by the devil himself. Ryan personality is more complicated. as someone as creative and out going. Ryan is a hardhearted jerk. he gets along with noel and we're all good towards liam. him and i are okay, we're not close but we get along. i cant really understand Ryan he wont let me. hes a closed box that lives only because he alive. mom and dad haven't notice it but we all have. me walked past me and toward the fridge. mom only shook her head head upstairs. probably to her room. 

mom is like liam but shy. she doesn't really come out of her room with a reason. she mostly comes out with dad or if she feels the need to talk to us. but other than that her favorite room is her room. dad is caring but keeps a distance. he doesn't show his emotions easily but we can tell when he show affection. its okay i get showing no emotions from my dad. i have _chronic fatigue syndrome_ so i get tried very easily. being relaxed all the time seems to help the feeling of tiredness. sugar helps also but it also hurts me because once the sugar high is gone i crash hard. i take pills to keep me awake.

one everyday.

its never hindered me from anything. when i was younger if i played with my friends at lunch i would gladly sleep right after. i would miss a hour of school everyday so my energy could catch up with the other students. my friends didn't discriminate like other children would they were accepting and patient with me. now that we are older. the only thing they complain about is me not able to come out after school. mom tells me too go but i always say no in order to keep noel happy. 

we all keep noel happy because hes insane in my opinion, sometime. when he turned nine he was diagnosed with...

 _OCD_

_Schizophrenia_

_Bipolar disorder_

_Antisocial Personality Disorder_

That's what i know of so far. surprisingly 'aggressive anger' he wasn't diagnose with. he only seems to show his angry when were fighting or someone threaten to separates us. that is everyone trump card to make him behave. Noel would have been taken away from me a long time ago but hes smart. he knows the right things to say and when to say it. i just sit back watching him get out of situations. Even though me are twins the only thing we have that is alike is our looks. we look extremely identical but i make sure that we don't wear the same thing. if i didn't noel would dress like me everyday. same shirt. same pants. same hair style. being exactly like time make me feel like i'm losing my own personality. that's the one thing i cant do for him. i cant lose my personality for him i would go insane. i try not to feed into his mind set. i know he cant help it but i just don't want to make it worst. when he was little he used to go to the therapist alone. i guess now that hes getting older and more aware of things mom want me to go. 

i love him but his life as we grow together is become more involved with mine. i don't eat, sleep, play without him being there. the only time i'm alone is when i shower or escape with one of my brothers outside. when ever i bring it up he ignores me and continue what ever he was doing. then we end up in fights. the worst fight i had with him was at school. i wanted to sit with my other friend but noel said no. i went anyways and he tried to get me to come back but i got into a physical fight with him. after that my friends came to sit with me. 

i try to tell mom and dad of noel becoming a inconvenience but they tell me to be understanding and patient. by now i got use to it. i don't mind him that much anymore but it is nice to be alone once in a while. 

i watch liam make dinner easily. knowing that i would have a hard time with it all. it seemed so much, overwhelming in fact. "cut these up for me." he put a plate of mushrooms in front of me. noel looked up for a minute before looking back down at his book he got earlier. i picked up the knife and started slicing. "noel go get dad, mom and Ryan dinner will be done in ten minutes." noel glared at him but rolled his eyes and when on his way. "you know Noah. i went out to the store today and ran into your friend.... Michel right?" that caught my attention. "i told him he could come over to play tomorrow. since you are on your last day of the break."

i smiled to myself. "thanks liam." i said quietly. 

"hurry up they're be down any second." he smile and went back to the stove. 

 


	2. Behaviors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (unedited)
> 
>  
> 
> Noah is noticing how things are changing between him and his brothers. He even experiences some thing that can never be forgotten.

**age 14**  

Something was different. at first i didn't realize it because i been so focus with school. when i went to my room i seen mom outside of liam's room looking worried but i thought he was just going through a phase. now that i paying attention i'm getting a bit worried. i stood in front of his room deciding whether to go inside or not. 

first i knocked

no answer

i knocked again

no answer

he in there why isn't he answering. i cracked the door open and notice the door was being blocked closed. mumbling filled my ears. i barely squeezed through. i used my body as a advantage. when i finally got through he was no where in sight but i could still hear the mumbling. "liam?" i whispered. The pile on the corner shifted. 

"go away go away go.." i heard him whisper. 

"its me Noah. liam...." he started to breath heavy. but he finally looked towards me. he looked like hell. like he haven't slept in days. as soon as our eyes met he busted out crying. i quickly moved toward him wrapping my arms around him. he was tensed but didn't push away. "fuck hell, man. what happened to you" i whispered. he wrapped his arms around me and hugged the living daylights out of me. i kept the hissing to myself when his nail dug into my skin. "we have to get you to a hospital." i said more to myself. he shook his head sharply. "then talk to me" i begged. 

"i-i-.... i'm going to burn. y-you don't understand" i don't even think he know what hes talking about. 

"calm down. i'm here okay. nothings going to hurt you." his face was shoved into my neck. it honestly hurt me to see him like this. so weak. with difficulty i carried him over to his bed. he curled up towards the wall. the room felt so stuffy and dark. mostly messy. i walked over to the window opening it slightly. the light made the room seem more dusty. as i cleaned his room he didn't move a inch. i could help the feeling of wanting to cry when looking over to him. its like it wasn't even him. 

soon i was finished straightening up his room when i noticed blood on his clothing in his hamper. i started to move towards it but he slowly sat up. i immediately ran over to him. he seem a lot more calmer then when i first came in here so i waited for him to make his next move "don't worry. don't worry" he whispered doing straight down to his feet. 

"did something happen at school?" i said. liam wasn't the one for fight. in fact he hated then he would rather speak things out maturely. the first that i met would have never touch then. the seem like nice people. maybe i was wrong. should i go get noel? i really don't want to leave him right now. he smiled but i could tell it was harshly forced. 

"don't worry. i'm sorry.... go get some sleep. i know you tired."

"never mind that. liam... you can tell me i'm your brother." as if he was burned he pushed me away harshly. i gasped and caught myself. 

"i-i i'm sorry .... please.... just leave for today" frowning i collecting myself i stood up slowly. 

"i-i don't know whats going on but i'm here for you. always." he continued to stare down. i left feeling a heavy weight on my chest. when i walked back into my room. my work was covering my desk. because of this i missed what was happening to him and now hes hurt. disappointment filled me. laying back on my bed i thought to myself. what happened to him. he looks broken beyond repair and i would be lying if i said i wasn't hurt when he pushed me away. what do i do? therapy? dad? mom? Ryan? noel would be on my back no matter what. that weight on my chest grew stronger. as if i was sinking into the bed. i pushed myself to sit up but the energy depleted from my body. my eyes grew heavy but i fought against the sleep. the door cracked opened and i could make out that it was noel. 

"you been pushing yourself haven't you" he said sitting down on the end of my bed. i didn't respond but just listened. he hand traced my face to my lips. i closed my eyes feeling myself slipping even more. "ill speak to Ryan about liam if you are really worrying." he voice fades away leaving me alone again. 

 

* * *

 

 

"Noah... Noah wake up" mom gently shook my shoulder. groaning i tried to push her away. "liam is out his room and is in the kitchen again." i heard the hope in her voice. this woke me up. "hes almost done cooking. he wants everyone to come down." i nodded and got up as quickly as i could. but stopped when i smelled something in my hair. i washed it this morning. it wasn't terrible, it was just a smell. but not my shampoo. i shook my head. i just want to liam right now. to see if he is better. 

Running down stair the smell of food hit my nose making me smile. there he was in the kitchen just like any other day. but he wasn't enjoying it like he used to. i slowly walked in the kitchen he quickly turned towards me and gave me a small smile. i looked around the atmosphere is different. "your doing better?" 

"yeah. help me bring the stuff out to the dinning room" okay talking about it with him is off the list. he wasn't the one to quickly change the conversation. arms wrapped around me and Ryan stood there smiling at me. my eyebrows rose whats wrong with him. i took his arms from around me and picked up a plate. 

"ill start bringing the food out." 

of course noel was sitting down at the table already. i shook my head. why do i even bother. i straightened the plates and made room for the other plates. hesitating for a moment i sat down quickly next to noel. he looked at me waiting. "hey.... whats up with liam. his head is really fucked up man." 

"your mouth is terrible" i rolled my eyes. 

" That's not the point there is something seriously wrong with him. its like he traumatized or something. everyone can tell. even mom and dad" i whispered scared that they would hear us somehow."

"ill speak to rya-" 

"this is not about Ryan!" i burst out. silence filled the room. we sat there staring at each other in rage. what the hell does this have to so with Ryan. noel closed his book and walked out the room. i bit my lip wanting to go after him asking what **his** deal was. i went back to the kitchen trying to calm down. Ryan and liam looked back at me. 

"did you two get into a fight?" Ryan said standing next to liam. 

"i-i talk to Noah, r-Ryan" then i was pulled by liam into the dinning room. 

"liam it was stupid-" 

he shook his head and smiled. "its fine. i know you didn't do anything" i frowned and leaned forwards. 

"its just i'm really worried. you wont tell me to i tried to ask noel. he keeps saying 'ill speak to Ryan' which i think is bull shit." i grabbed his hands. "liam i can see that something is going on with you. talk to me." his mouth opened then close along with his eyes. 

"i cant....i-i will but not right now just trust me. and please don't ask noel about anything okay?" i nodded and that made him smile. a real smile finally. "you know what after school lets go out me and you" 

"noel wouldn't let me. Mondays are the days he like to go out to the store after school" 

"well. i guess he will have to go alone tomorrow." he said almost nervous. i smiled wanting for rebelled against noel a little. he would live.  

we went back and finished the table. we all sat there  staring at each other. mom and dad were the only ones talking and it was to each other. i stared down at my food. liam's food. i know he said to forget about it but somethings going on. i want to trust him but hes really messed up. broken beyond repair. "eat your food" noel said eating from his plate. i looked over to him glaring. who did he think he was. just as i was about to say something liam quickly cut in. 

"Noah how do you like the food?" i turned to him and smiled eating a piece. 

"really good" i said smiling. noel glared at liam but kept eating. 

Ryan then leaned forwards and stared at me. "it seems lately that you have been getting close to liam?" i watched liam tensed 

"it seems that you have been being extra nice lately" i responded. noel glared harshly at me. "what?" i question him getting aggravated. he glared even more harshly. mom was about to cut in but i stood up. " i lost my appetite. liam thank you for the food. goodnight." mom and dad called after me but i kept walking until i was in my room. noel is getting on my nerves each passing day. he becoming more and more controlling. i picked up the pillow and threw it against the wall. hes a asshole and i hope he knows that. ill take a nap before i go back down i thought to myself. the bed felt so good that i whinnied into my pillow. 

 

* * *

 

"why don't you tell him to leave you alone" my friend Brandon said. he were in my history class. 

"well i'm going with liam after school."

his eyes widened he whispered yelled. " are you crazy doesn't noel go out shopping with you. he wont allow it" that made me roll my eyes. 

"we're in high school now he can handle himself."

"its your life man just remember that your brother is crazy. you barley have freedom now imagine when you leave him for liam." when he said this i shook my head. noel needs to know that he doesn't have control of me. he too bossy and i don't want my high school life ruined because of him. "by the way. did you change new shampoo." he leaned over to my hair. 

"no i noticed that too. i tried washing it out but i wake up with the smell again." 

he shrugged his shoulders. "change your shampoo. it doesn't smell bad but its like a mixture. don't push yourself" i nodded and went back to work before the teacher calls us out. maybe i should tell him. he might be a asshole but hes my brother and my twin. it makes me sad how be keep growing apart and are arguing mostly now. well i'm trying to move away from him but he keeps sticking to me. i even lost friends because he would yell at then and even get into fights with them. which i yelled at him for.

he has friends but i can tell that he honestly doesn't like any of them but one. the one he likes is creepy as hell. i honestly think he is going to grow up to be a serial killer or something. his best friend name is jay. his face is covered in piercings and tattoo all over his arms and legs. because jay come over the house sometimes i'm aloud to have Brandon come over also. Brandon is the best. even though he afraid of noel he continues to stick by my side and support me. he a great friend. 

the last bell rung and i went the opposite way then noel would be. he comes to pick me up at my class and i already know he going to question Brandon. i told him to tell noel that i was going to the bathroom. if i was going to make it i has to get to the senior quarters right now. the passing students looked me probably questioning why i was here because i was a freshman. i held onto th straps of my backpack. if i could remember correctly room 213 was his last class. 

when i found the door i walked into the room and there he was with Ryan. "what are you doing here little bro" little bro? i looked at liam he slightly shook his head. 

"i wanted to see if liam had any money for when me and noel go shopping. i don't want him always to pay for me. Ryan walked towards me. i looked at liam's mouth. 'wait outside' he mouthed. he went to his bag and took out his money. he held out money. i slowly took it. 

"buy me something. you better get back to noel before he goes out looking for you" with that i nodded and left the room. 

where the hell did he get this money from. this was at least 200 hundred. i frowned to myself why does he have this type of money on him. drug? i don't think he has a job. i make my way to liam's car. which i help him with. when i was in middle school and him a freshman he would bake for people for money and with months work from the both of us we got him the car. not the best but its something. i spent the time watching other people leave in their cars. about 10 minutes pasted and liam jogged over to me. "sorry i had to handle something." i shook of his apology. 

"its fine. you can make it up by telling me where your going to take me." i got in the car when he unlocked it. "

"for that you are going to have to wait and see." he took my backpack and placed it in the back seats. 

He stuck to word. a 30 minute drive had me dying in anticipation. The place was absolutely amazing. peaceful. it was like we were away from the world. we were in a surreal forest. "my friend showed me this place just in case i needed to get away." he said quietly. he walked ahead. i silently watch the back of him carefully. 

"Ryan is causing you to act like this right?" i said. he sharply turned around and started to tear up. 

"i c-cant tell you everything but i'm fucked up Noah. really fucked up" i teared up because everyone knows that liam doesn't curse. 

"you can tell me. i'm your brother and i'm here for you" he shook his head. 

"i will but not now. just be here for me until you cant bare the sight of me." he laugh and cried at the same time. 

"i will. i promise."

* * *

 

**Age 16**

 

i couldn't help the whine that came out because heat. noel held a tighter grip around me when i tried to move. "noel come on. its our birthday get up." he didn't move only groaned at my movements. Ryan and liam are suppose to be coming back from LA for our birthday. he told us that when we were old enough he would take us. but i don't see why not now. "come on. you know they like to arrive early. come on" i pushed at him and finally i slowly sat up. i still wasn't used to the piercing that he got on his last birthday. mom freaked out and told my brothers off for letting him get a lip piercing. i told him that he finally lost it. 

he gave me a grin when i was caught staring at him. i rolled my eyes. he was taller then me by a couple of inches. he move his hands to my side. i frowned and moved away from him. "i'm getting in the shower" he stared at me standing up. 

"lets go to this party that, jay told me about" he said in a low voice. his voice was gravely. i stretched and climbed out of the bed. 

"i rather say home i want to see liam" this time he rolled his eyes. 

"liam this..... liam that. aren't i your twin?" i looked back and only laughed at him.

i made my way to the bathroom. the water felt nice on my back. i closed my eyes soaking in the feeling. i jumped when i door opened. i pulled my head from the curtain and saw noel getting undressed. the air felt suddenly thick as i let shallow breaths in. i could practically hear my heart thumping through my chest. my mind racked with think to do but my body wouldn't move. 

"what the hell are you doing get out!" i yelled finally for him to get out. he ignored me and was soon naked. i gasped and pulled the curtain so that i couldn't see him. oh my god. what do i do? should i scream. no. i cant. what is he doing? the water felt cold. every sense was on high alert. 

"stop being shy" he said stepping in. my body was screaming for me to run. i tried to leave but he grabbed my arm pulling me back in. "your not done. come on finish." i slowly reached for the soap but he quickly grabbed it. fear choked me to the point i was almost hyperventilating. why? my hands shook as i stood extremely still. 

"your being weird. and your scaring me." i whispered. he rubbed the soap on my back making me jump. i arched away but he only followed me. "noel stop i'm serious." the soap was in the center of my back moving down slowly. my neck ached from being so stiff. "stop please" i whined on the edge of tears. i gasped when he kissed the back of my neck. just when i thought he was going to go down lower his hands left my body. i looked back to see that he moved back little looking straight at me. smiling. "fucking asshole" i just out the shower grabbing my towel not caring to rinse off. what the hell. a million thoughts racked my brain. is this normal. what am i even saying of course this isn't normal. i was just molested by my twin. my twin. noel.... i ran over to the nearest trash can and threw up everything i had. oh god. 

"oh god" i moaned out. what the fuck is wrong with him. what the fuck is wrong with me. i should have screamed out for mom or dad. what do i do from now on? should i avoid him? act like this never happened? forget it Noah... it never happened. the soap on my back was telling a different story. "fucking hell" has he always been interested in that way towards me. the memories of him in the same bed. i thought they were innocent movements. i flinched when pain shot in my hand. iron taste filled my mouth. i bit my hand to hard. breath breath. this is nothing. he was playing around with you. he knows that it would get to you. joke. it was a joke. 

after 10 minute of me repeating that to myself. i calmed down. i got dressed and made my way down stairs. jay was on the couch. he looked over and smiled nodding. i nodded back and walked past him. mom was in the kitchen working on the breakfast. "hey baby. happy birthday your friend is in the dinning room." Brandon. she kissed my head smiling. "go in there with your friend. liam and Ryan should be here soon and your dad went out to pick them up from the airport. i nodded and went toward the dinning room. seeing Brandon made me want to cry. 

"hey man, you okay? get enough sleep?" he walked up to me. i smiled and gave him a hug. 

"yeah i just went to bed little late that's all. don't worry ill go to bed earlier tonight." i sat down in the nearest seat. he sat down next to me. 

"when is your brothers coming? " he said. 

"mom said dad went to get them so not too long." 

"Are you sure okay?" he looked intensely at me. My mouth went dry. 

"are you stupid... look after yourself. your hair looks a mess." i said messing his hair up more. he laughed trying to get away. 

"okay okay. i get it." i moved my hands away. what if i do tell him what would happen? would he go to my house? would noel know? would noel be so angry? i felt my energy being drained away with all these thoughts. i leaned back closing my eyes. 

"Brandon how have you been" a voice shot through the air and attack my heart. noel. i opened my eye sitting straight up. "'mom told us to come in here you two." with jay behind him. noel sat down to my other side of me. i watched every movement of his. but he acted as any other time. as if nothing happened today. did it happen? no no no it happen. **no it didn't**. it did! didn't it? "you alright Noah? you been acting strange..." i..... i'm the one..... strange? 

"y-yeah i just.......i'm tired" he smiled and went to talking with jay. i didn't bother to listen knowing the thing they talk about it a language of their own. i leaned on table feeling sick again. Brandon looked worriedly  over to me putting a hand on my back. 

"you know what.. come on.. your going back to be for a couple more hours. your way too drained." i felt sluggish. noel was lifting me i couldn't make a coherent thought. without thinking about it i fell against noel. "mom call us down when everyone gets home. Brandon, jay i'm going to watch after him so do whatever. the games if you want are down her also call me when you need me." with that i felt us move. nononono i reached out to the only awareness that i had left.

 

* * *

 

"Noah... Noah... wake up baby" my eyes fluttered opened. my head was on top of his chest. i jolted up and stared at him. "what?" he smiled at me warmly. i was laying in between his legs. his arms wrapped around my body and his hands laid on my back. i couldn't help but staring at him. he bit the lip ring on his lip while staring back at me. 

"tell me why?" i said my voice cracking. "why all the sudden? are you trying to play with my head?"

"Noah. i **love** you. i have always love you. you had to notice by now" he smiled nicely as if everything was right with the world. 

"i have, noel. i thought it was from your disorders. this is not right. **this** cant happen. i'm your brother, man."

"i don't care." his smiled was gone to be replaced with a stone cold face. "i told you over and over that you are mine. we are one" his hands moved to cupping my face. his expression held awe. "so cute, perfection" my lip trembled. "this is only wrong because of the social value that you were taught. i'm going to teach you the true meaning of love."

"you're insane"

"maybe" 

his thumb ran over my lip. i pushed away but he wrapped his legs around my waist making me unable to stand up. he placed his lips on mine. i panic and fought against him. his other hand was on the back of my neck holding me to him. "open you mouth Noah" he growled lowly. i clawed at his hands and panicked breathing heavy. i got to get out of here. now. now. now. he pinched my nose making me open my mouth wide. he took the opportunity using his tongue. i cringe as he didn't leave one spot untouched. the warmth brought along nausea. when he was done i clasped out of breath crying. "i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you" 

 

* * *

 

liam came in holding the most delicious cake i have ever seen. liam's eyes met with mine and lit up so bright. when he set the cake down he ran over to me hugging me. i watched sharply as noel went over to Ryan giving him a quick hug. "how have you been? your hair grew longer" Ryan smiled at me. i forced a smile. 

"yeah. i been good. you?" 

"good little bro, good. oh i got you something from LA. dad should bring it in, in a second." he led me over to the couch. i sat down smiling a bit. liam brought in so much comfort. Brandon looked over to me smiling. "i missed you" liam said almost desperate. 

"i missed you too" i whispered. "you don't know how much" 

"cheer up. its your birthday. the birthday boy cant be sad right?" dad came in with bags. liam go up quickly taking one bag from him. he came back over and took out a smaller box handing it too me. 

"you didn't have to get me anything."

"well i made a deal with Ryan. he would get noel something and i would get you something. open it." i noticed that Brandon was closer looking at the box also. 

"back up nosy" i opened the box. a bag of home made candies lied inside. i remembered them from my 13th birthday. noel took all of mine and liam promised to make me more. i thought he completely forgot about it. "your a mess" i laughed. he also laughed. for some reason tears was brought to my eyes. "a mess...." liam hugged me tightly. 

"when did you get so emotional. don't you remember that you get wore out easily. here" he took the box from me and opened the bag. i looked at the candy in my hand and looked up to him. he smiled and waited. i took a deep breath and put it in my mouth the chocolate melted into my mouth. this was the best candy i have ever tasted before. inside the chocolate was rich caramel. 

"this is amazing! how long did it take for you to make this." 

" only 6 hours.... but don't worry it was fun." 

"what is it like there in LA with Ryan?" 

he breathed in for a second before reposing himself. "its good. the weather there is amazing and people are mostly good. its a good time. he want you and noel to visit one day." i smiled and said nothing back to him. i flinched when noel took a seat behind me making Brandon move over. 

"lets go." he said leaning against me. Liam was quiet and placed the box back in my hand. "can i have one." 

"no these are only for Noah." liam said quickly. 

"okay okay i get it but don't forget that i'm the birthday boy also." he laughed playing with my pant leg. i looked away trying to focus on anything else. Ryan. i stood up happy to get away from everyone. Ryan and i are not the closes but i don't want to be near noel right now. no one was in the kitchen. i took the time to hide the candies. right when i closed the closet mom came in the room. 

"hey Noah. since you took a little nap. you must be hungry so let eat the food from this morning." i smiled at her and nodded. "okay let me get everyone in the dinning room." 

The table was full of food the smell radiating reminded me of when i was young. the noise got louder. everyone pilled into the room. i zoned out while everyone took their seats. 

* * *

 

**age 14**

"why did you lie to me?!" noel found out that i left him and was having a fit. i pushed him away. 

"i wanted to go out with liam" 

"you have to tell me when you do that" i scoffed. 

"when did you become my dad?" his face turned red. 

"i'm telling Ryan" he growled. i froze. Ryan and liam are arguing that means it will be my fought for making it worst. i grabbed his arm and glared at him. 

"i'm sorry" i whispered. he only stared at me and relaxed more. "we're not going to be together forever noel. you need to become more independent."

"that's where you wrong Noah. we are going to be together forever. even past death." creepy... i patted his shoulder and gave him a awkward smile. 

"yeah yeah i get don't go psycho on me. i'm sorry next time ill tell you. i'm sorry okay." he finally relaxed and grabbed my hand rubbing it along his cheek. i felt a tint of guilt he was my twin and i shouldn't have lied to him. i leaned into him. hugging him. of course he didn't pull away but pulled me closer. i relaxed into his hold as always. this is another thing that holds us together. our connection. "i love you" i whispered.

"i love you too so so much" he hugged me tighter. i rolled my eyes at this. after we got home liam disappeared to his room. i was told that Ryan was already here. hopefully not messing with liam because he was finally smiling. i don't want him going into another panic. maybe i should confront him. but he told me to trust him. 

i trust my brothers no matter what or no matter who. 

 

* * *

 

**age 16**

Noah's hand was in mine. the cake was in front of us lit. our cake. our party. our life. our days 

everyone gathered around signing in unison. 

" _ **happy birthday to you**_ "

 

 


End file.
